Parenting Lessons
by Lacrimosa Cruentus Luna
Summary: Sequel/Spin-off to You Can't Fix Me. Sara is pregnant and Ichijou is learning to deal with odd food cravings, random mood swings, creepist doctors and all the other great new experiences that come with being a daddy-to-be! Good luck my friend....
1. The Past Ten Years

**Author's note: **Yay! Here's my spin off/sequel—I'm not exactly sure which it is—for You Can't Fix Me! If you haven't read that then this story won't make much sense and this chapter will make absolutely no sense at all! Yay! Wait…not yay? Right, I'm just rambling at this point. Anyway, someone told me that I should put in what happened in the past ten years that separate these two stories and that's pretty much what this chapter is…that's it! Enjoy!

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The day I found out Sara was pregnant was a very loud day full of lots of screaming, crying, internet searching and pots smashing. Not on me thankfully, but the mess was still hard to clean up. That day I spent a lot of time look through photo albums and remembering the past.

I thought about the day we buried Senri's mother. Nobody cried to be brutally honest, but that was the last day any of us saw Kaname for the next few months. It stormed and Senri never let go of Rima or little Mika-chan once. It was almost a sad time, but Senri sold his mother's house as fast as he could and moved himself into his deceased grandfather's home.

A couple years later, he proposed to Rima on her twentieth birthday during her party in front of everyone. She cried tears of joy and said yes. Mikazuki was pleased. At a little over two years old she could walk and read. She looked more and more like Rima every day. Six months later they were married and the wedding was fantastic. Rima decided to have it on a beach and all the food was simply delicious. Especially the cake. Or maybe it was just the fact that it had all ended in a massive food fight where I got to kiss all the splatters of cake of Sara's cheeks. Mikazuki started it actually…she told me herself. I babysat her during her parents' honeymoon where she told me how she tossed an apple at Tsubasa Sakurai, her neighbor who she despised. He was three, just like her. Shiki and Rima were married in the spring, a couple months after Mikazuki's third birthday.

I looked back on when Mikazuki first started talking about little Tsubasa in a kind way. That was about a year later and was about the time she started calling me Uncle Ichijou instead of Taku-oji. I blamed Tsubasa and went though somewhat of a depression to which Sara helped me though.

Whenever I looked at Mikazuki and Tsubasa I'd think of what it'd be like to have my own kids. It was the two of them who helped me decide to propose to Sara. I was afraid of what she'd say and Mikazuki said I'd never know if I never asked. I made her and Tsubasa promise not to tell their parents because I wanted to keep it a secret and if Senri found out, Rima would find out and tell the rest of the world till people on the other side of the world heard about it. Then Sara would find out and…well…anyway, you get the point.

I even brought the two with me when I decided to go pick out the right ring for Sara. It was Tsubasa and Mikazuki who picked it in the end. The ring was deep gold with two diamonds and a topaz in the center. They were also present when I proposed. More tears and another yes. What is it with women and crying over proposals? Tsubasa and Mika-chan cheered and I promised them they could be ring bearer and flower girl at my wedding. That was when Tsubasa told Mika-chan she'd be the prettiest flower girl ever which dropped a couple hints on where those two were headed.

Our wedding was even better than Senri and Rima's, or so it was in my opinion. But maybe that was just because I was the guy who got lucky enough to marry someone like Sara.

She glowed that day.

During the six months before we got married, Sara and I talked about children. She said maybe someday, but she wanted to accomplish all the things she couldn't do if she had children. In the end, we traveled everywhere, just like Sara wanted.

Everywhere took a long time, as did finding her parents so she could tell them about what they'd missed. I got the feeling they didn't like me too much but her mother thanked me and cried just before we left. She said she'd always be thankful for taking care of her daughter. Her words will forever ring in my head:

_"I'll never be able to thank you enough for loving her like I should've when I couldn't."_

I told her that there was still time.

She called every so often after that and talks to Sara for hours on end. It spiked up the phone bill but I never said anything because of how happy Sara would always look when she'd hang up the phone.

Sara got a job as a kindergarten teacher at the local school and ended up as Tsubasa and Mikazuki's teacher. I got daily reports on how close they were. I'd always pout and complain about how Tsubasa was stealing away my little Mika-chan. Sara just smiled.

I followed my grandfather's footsteps as a doctor and found that I enjoyed the profession. Lots of school though…I didn't like that part so much.

Mikazuki was pretty supportive of both of our jobs and came for visits frequently although I noticed she almost always had Tsubasa. It reminded me of how Rima always had Senri in tow whenever she went anywhere. It was like a natural thing. They were like twins!

Birthdays passed, Christmases passed, Thanksgivings passed and all the time we were together, one over sized family for the fact that most of us were missing a majority of ours.

Although most of the times were happy, a solo time of sorrow stuck out in my mind. I was reminded of the time Rima's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Mikazuki was there when we got the news and—naturally—so was Tsubasa. She was seven and she cried.

Rima's mother didn't last very long, just long enough for us to all say our good byes. Rima's father came for a week. He had another wife in Canada of all places, but got the news and had to come to see his _ex_-wife, to the fury of his_ current_ wife. He got to see Mikazuki and was shocked by her intelligence level. Not that it was very surprising. At seven, Mikazuki was using words I still didn't know. Many things could be learned from that little girl who wasn't so little after all.

When Rima's mother died, the funeral was the complete opposite of Senri's mother. Everyone cried at this funeral and Rima's dad returned for it. Again, it rained. Kaname even showed up. He didn't look to great, but the thought was kind.

Life goes on though, and we all got over it after sometime. At that point, Tsubasa was around more often than I'd thought possible. They were pretty much super glued to each other.

It was very busy time for everyone. My own parents called me from Italy and told me they were taking up current residence there and they might come down for Christmas. They didn't.

And finally, at twenty-eight, Sara found herself pregnant. It was March and the house was cold, but I let her flip out and run around the house in her bathrobe like a madwoman all morning.

While I listened to the soundtrack of her calling everyone across the globe to tell them she had a parasitic organism growing inside of her and asking for advice, I got the call from Senri who told me Rima was pregnant again, although this time it was at a more reasonable age.

"TAKUMA! TAKUMA! RIMA IS PREGNANT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Sara yelled and I grinned.

"I know!" I called back.

"Isn't it great? We should throw a baby shower together!" Sara squealed and came running up the stairs. I hang up and put the phone down and paled.

"People throw parties when they get pregnant?" I asked curiously.

Sara nodded enthusiastically. I shrugged.

"Sounds like fun," I said slightly uncertain.

"It will be," Sara promise and darted downstairs, no doubt to call Rima and start planning the baby shower.

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Awwww…I feel almost bad for killing off Rima's mom. There we go. Lotsa shima and tsuzuki…and I bet you guys can guess what the next chapter is about…maybe. Can you? Ah well…review!


	2. Lesson 1

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Author's note:

Yay! I got reviews! But...could I possibly get another five before I review? Pretty pleaase? Well anyway, here's my second chapter!

**Disclaimer: **Look…I said it in the story before this: I don't own Vampire Knight. Just Mika-chan and Tsu-kun and that makes up for it all I guess.

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**shikixxrima- **Well...I am kinda mean sometimes...but I'm glad you loved it anyway!

**hana-flower23- **Three awesome pairings in one fic…what more can you ask for? Eh heh heh. And yay for sequels!

**Chibi Kitt- **Very interesting…and very funny if my plan works out.

**PurebloodPrincess97- **Majestic is a new adjective…but yeah, I understand what you mean and I'm very proud that you think so :D

**silentspirit426624- **Oh dear…the awful multiple choice…ew. Ah so TsuZuki is official now? Cool! I hope you end up loving the rest of the chapters as much as the first

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**Lesson One:**

**Women Go Overboard On Baby Shower Planning When Left Alone!**

I had spent about twenty minutes worth of my life wondering why it was always the mothers-to-be who planned the baby shower. When I found out…I wished I hadn't. As in like really, really, really, really, super-duper, really, really, really wish I hadn't.

Sara and Rima had all but thrown Shiki and I out of Shiki's house and told us to meet back there "later". I had asked them if it was a bit early to be throwing a baby shower and I was met with dangerous glares.

So we walked to the nearest baby store with Mikazuki and Tsubasa in hopes of finding something—anything—relatively useful.

I had asked them if it was a bit early to be throwing a baby shower and I was met with dangerous glares.

"I told you to _go away_!" a voice snapped and the four of us turned around to see Kaname walking toward us being stalked by a manly looking woman.

_Oh…wait…that is a man…in a tutu…OK then._

"Besides," Kaname added. "I have a boyfriend now!"

Again, the four of us gawked like idiots. But before we could comment, Kaname seized his cousin around the waist and pulled him close.

"Ummmm…" Shiki said looking awkward.

"Don't be shy sweetheart," Kaname cooed and I gave him a sympathetic glance before dragging the two children inside the baby store. Once we were behind the diaper section, we collapsed laughing.

"Poor Daddy," Mikazuki between laughs.

"Good old Kaname," I said chuckling. Tsubasa was laughing too hard to make any sort of comment.

"Ichijou, do you like the way your face looks now? Because if you keep laughing, I have no problem rearranging it," Shiki hissed and he came around the corner. We froze.

"They were laughing too!" I said defensively.

"Mikazuki is my daughter and Tsubasa is my neighbors' kid," Shiki pointed out. No need to add that Tsubasa might one day be his son-in-law. "You however…"

"But we're buuuuuuuuddddiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess!" I squealed, trailing out my last word. Mikazuki and Tsubasa sweat dropped while Shiki merely hit me over the head with a plastic box of diapers.

I whimpered and my so-called buddy snorted.

"Uh-huh, whatever," he said sharply.

"Let's just find something," I said wincing as I felt the bump growing on my head.

"What happened out there Kaname?" Mikazuki asked curiously. Her father shuddered.

"I'd rather completely forget that ever happened," he suggested and so we attempted to forget that the attempt to make the cross dressing stalker go away ever happened. Of course, it didn't work because who could ever forget something like that?

After hours on end of searching, we failed to find anything so instead, we bough Mikazuki and Tsubasa ice cream. There's just something about chibi eyes that's just impossible to refuse…. They promised not to tell either of their mothers, and I was praying they'd hold true to that. Rima had a tendency to go berserk whenever I gave Mikazuki sugar.

I'll never understand why. I mean seriously, the only thing that happens is she starts to act like me…ah. Well…that might explain a little bit….

Along our way home, we collected Kaname again, something that disturbed Shiki greatly. Mika-chan and Tsubasa had a great time teasing him about it. So all in all the day went fine. At least it was until we arrived at Shiki's house. That was where things went a little bit…strange.

* * *

We opened the door and Mika-chan, Tsubasa, Shiki, Kaname and I all stepped inside to see a horrific sight.

The walls were plastered with pink and blue signs that said welcome baby and the banister was covered in pink and blue frills. The two had somehow managed to get EVERYONE'S baby photos (yeah this time even Mikazuki's precious little Tsu-kun had to suffer) and those were all on frames on the walls as well. Little pink and blue raindrops fell from the ceiling with little pictures of babies that had been cut out of multiple magazines. It took my genius brain a minute to get the pun: baby shower. Funny.

_Is this really how you decorate a baby shower? And why are they acting like it's happening today? Wait a minute…a dear god please no!_

"SURPRISE!" Rima and Sara squealed.

Shiki fainted on the spot.

Kaname left the house swiftly, muttering something about having hobo business to attend to.

Mikazuki grabbed Tsubasa's hand and backed away slowly. Once they were outside, they took off like terrified birds.

I lasted a couple more seconds before passing out myself.

* * *

When I woke up, I was stuck in a closet. A very cramped closet. Why was it cramped? Because I was sharing it with Shiki.

"Great," he grunted. "You're awake and you can get the hell off of me."

"No I can't," I grumbled. "This freaking closet is too small."

"Whose idea was it to have this closet installed?" Shiki demanded. When Mikazuki grew older, we needed a place to put all her baby stuff. Shiki insisted on blowing a wall through one of the walls in the hall and stuffing it in there.

"Yours," I replied irritably.

"…oh yeah…it was, wasn't it?"

I gritted my teeth.

"Now how exactly do we get out?" I inquired.

"…"

"Shiki…what aren't you telling me?"

"Ah…well…you can only open the door from the outside."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"When we get out of here, I'm sooooooooo making you get rid of this closet."

As it turned out, we wouldn't be getting out for another couple of hours.

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Eh heh heh. Poor guys. I don't really know how a baby shower works so in the end, I just made Rima and Sara go insane over it and lock up Ichijou and Shiki. Review for me!


	3. Lesson 2

**Author's note: **Well, I start high school tomorrow so I won't be able to update very frequently…sorry T.T So here's my update for today:

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vampire Knight, but I should because…

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**kAtiE-lUvs-mcr- **I think it might be a mother-to-be thing…but I'm not sure. Yay for so many smiley faces in one review!

**ShuUreI814- **Shiki is absolutely full of "great ideas". Believe me, there'll be more

**JKL-JaylaKahoonaLagoona- **that's a new, extremely effective threat…I've update so, uh, can I not face DEATH?

**silentspirit426624- **Baby-fever that gets worse and worse along the way for them…although I guess that makes it funnier and funnier for everyone else with the exception of Shiki and Ichijou.

**hana-flower23- **what sort of little kid _wouldn't_ wanna be friends with Ichijou? XD

**Chibi Kitt- **Poor, poor Shiki for sure. I'd feel worse for him if I hadn't been the one who wrote it…heh heh.

**PurebloodPrincess97- **Your review made me realize just how mean I was to Shiki in this chapter…oh well. He'll survive…hopefully.

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**LESSON TWO:**

**ODD FOOD CRAVINGS ARE FOR PREGNANT PEOPLE ONLY!**

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It all began when Sara asked me to make her a peanut butter fried onion tomato honey-smothered sandwich. Shiki had warned me about odd food cravings once and I knew it had kicked in.

I all but whimpered as I dunked our whole jar of honey all over chopped up tomatoes. I winced at the combined smells and began to gag.

"How is she going to_ eat _this?" I wondered aloud. It looked more like something Picasso would've made.

"It's called the Chew-Chew-Swallow tactic," Sara said, coming from behind me. She sat down and I put the sandwich in front of her.

"Will you cut it in half for me?" Sara asked, her large eyes looking so innocent my heart melted.

"Sure," I said and hastily chopped the sandwich into two, equal-sized pieces.

"Have some!" Sara encouraged. I turned a color that challenged moldy Swiss cheese.

"Um...are you sure…?" I asked, hopeful she'd change her mind. Sara's eyes watered and I recalled Shiki also warning me about random mood swings. I'd yet to suffer those and decided I didn't want to for as long as I could hold it off.

"I mean, _of course_ I'll try it," I said quickly and seized the sandwich. Doing my best to ignore the disgusting smell, I took a large bit out of my half of the sandwich.

Chew. Chew. Swallow.

What I did next is somewhat painful to think about but I blacked out.

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When I woke up, I was in the hospital and Mika-chan was staring at me with Tsubasa at her side.

"Wha—?" I mumbled.

"He's awake!" Mikazuki and Tsubasa shouted at the same time, their voices combined, loud, and echoing all around the hospital room. I groaned and collapsed into the pillow.

"Ichijou, you're such a dipshit," Shiki said as he entered the room. Mikazuki and Tsubasa both plugged their ears as Rima had taught them.

"Why am I here?" I demanded.

"You took a bite of that sandwich," the doctor said as he entered right behind Shiki. "That's a strictly dangerous combination."

I blinked.

"Why were you making something like that?" Shiki asked me curiously.

"The pregnant wife," I replied shortly.

"Ah," the doctor said. "That sort of thing is dangerous to everyone with the exception of pregnant people."

"So I could only eat that if I was pregnant?" I asked incredulously. The doctor and Shiki stared at me.

"Is there something you aren't telling me?" Shiki asked looking suspicious.

"I assure you, your friend is one hundred percent male," the doctor said.

"How are you so sure?" I asked feeling slightly creeped out. The doctor smirked.

"I have my ways," he said with a wink and I felt like chucking up whatever was left in my stomach.

Shiki collapsed into a fit of laughter, as Mikazuki did Mikazuki.

"I don't get it," Tsubasa said and turned to Mikazuki. Mikazuki leaned over to her friend and whispered something in his ear which caused the little boy's eyes to widen incredulously. Within a matter of seconds, he too was on the floor laughing. I scowled.

"Shiki, do I really have to remind you about the whole Kaname incident outside of the baby store," I asked and Shiki stopped laughing.

_That's what I thought bitch! _I thought before the world turned black again.

* * *

"I can't believe you fainted _twice, _Uncle Ichijou," Mikazuki said shaking her head.

"Three times if you count the baby shower," Tsubasa added unhelpfully. I rolled my eyes at the kids.

It was day after the bad food episode and Mikazuki and Tsubasa were still ripping on me for it.

"Just wait till you get married, Tsubasa," I growled. "You'll end up fainting a bunch of times."

"I won't," Mikazuki said cheerfully.

"Why'd you guys have to be so mean to me?" I asked them as we passed the cereal aisle. Sara had decided we would keep out meals separate, meaning I needed to get more food. I'd brought Mikazuki and Tsubasa with me because I required their input.

Then my phone rang. It was Rima. She called to inform me that Shiki was in the hospital and I needed to get to him because she was at a baby class with Sara and couldn't leave. That's where they'd been when I was in the hospital as well.

What a coincidence.

"Your Dad's in the hospital, Mika-chan," I said. "Let's go."

Mikazuki sighed.

"Knowing Dad, he probably did the same thing you did," she said and Tsubasa snorted.

I grinned because Mika-chan was probably right—as usual.

* * *

As it turned out, Shiki was suffering from food poisoning, and was dealing with the same problem as me: Pregnant Food. Mikazuki had totally called it.

The same doctor was there, too.

"Didn't I tell you boys not to eat what you make for your pregnant wives?" he demanded.

"I didn't mean to," Shiki groaned.

"I bet Mom slipped it to him," Mikazuki observed and her father nodded slightly.

I was laughing and Tsubasa was biting his lip, trying not to laugh. The doctor rolled his eyes and I smirked.

"This is sooooooooo your karma for laughing at me," I told him. Mikazuki and Tsubasa danced around Shiki's bed singing "bad karma, bad karma, he's got bad karma," and soon enough I joined them. We continued to dance and sing, even when Shiki had fainted again.

The doctors and nurses ended up kicking us out and when Shiki was released, we vowed to never eat Pregnant Food ever again.

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Hear that people? Don't eat yucky food! I'm a picky eater so I'll be fine…Anyway…review! I'm slowly starting to get more and more reviews each time I update and it's making me happy!!


	4. Lesson 3

**Author's note: **I feel so terrible! I haven't updated in forever!!! What a terrible person I am…well, we do what we can…And I changed my Pen Name! I've been meaning to do that for ages…I'm so lazy T.T

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vampire Knight._ I don't own Hairball Henry either!!_ My friend Naomi made him up herself, although he's kinda based of his kid we go to school with…so if anyone owns Hairball Henry it would be Hunter who Hairball Henry is based off of and…now I'm just confused….

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**Mentally Loved- **Yay! New stalker! Wait...is that something to be happy about? And it's not a stupid question because I don't go deep enough into Tsubasa's life...I only know this because you reminded me. At some point in this story I'm going to explain a little more about him…at least that's my plan. But just so you know, Tsubasa isn't the spawn of any characters…he could be…but I don't want him to be. XD Oh and thank you for not threatening me with death!

**Bella's Sister- **But Coldplay is awesome! How dare he not let you go see that concert! Karma is very cruel though…and very funny…as long as it isn't you that karma is after.

**YueDee- **Very bad karma for sure. Maybe there'll be more…who knows.

**AidoRockz- **Love must be spread around fandom and yes, I will read your story once I find time through my now hectic life =)

**ShuUreI814- **Cuz you can't make a good pregnant Taku/Sara story without pregnant food, karma and comedy. Here is the long awaited update!!

**JKL-JaylaKahoonaLagoona- **There we go. I threatened you with DEATH! And I'm glad I updated fast enough to not face death…I don't want to die yet…I'm fourteen! Way too young!

**silentspirit426624- **The thought of pregnant food gave me a brilliant epiphany: NASTY PREGNANT FOOD IS WHY BABY FOOD TASTES SO GROSS! I'm a genius! Or not.

And maybe a TsuZuki fic will show up…who knows…

**kAtiE-lUvs-mcr- **I named one of my two favorite OCs after a cello? Whoops. And that was very creative. I hope I updated fast enough for you not to regret it X)

**hana-flower23- **Babies are expensive…I'll keep that in mind for later inspiration…

**Chibi Kitt- **And remember the mental note well. Pregnant food is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. And all doctors are at least a little bit creepy…some more than most.

**PurebloodPrincess97- **Ichijou is definitely screwed over…but he'll make it. I hope. As long as Sara doesn't have twins he should be OK

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**LESSON THREE:**

**CREEPY DOCTORS ALWAYS RETURN**

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I almost combusted when we entered the hospital that had saved my life after the awful Pregnant Food for Sara's sonogram.

No it wasn't because Shiki and Rima were both there (which they were). It was because I saw the doctor. The same creepy doctor from before! I looked and Shiki and saw he was staring at the creepist (A/N: MY WORD!!) with a look of horror on his face that mirrored mine.

"The creepy doctors always return," Shiki said sharply and Rima and Sara exchanged confused glances.

"So I noticed," I said and then _it _happened.

The doctor let out a laugh that consisted of nothing but cruel evil making me jump. Then, he whipped out a butcher knife.

"Time to operate," the man cackled.

At that point, I was freaking out.

"Get him outta here!" I shouted. "He's gonna kill us!"

"What the—?"

"Ichijou?"

"Run everybody _run!!" _I yelled desperately. I couldn't understand why nobody was running out the door! Seriously!

I looked at the maniacal doctor and to my horror, I saw he had turned a deep purple color with pink polka dots!

I looked at the doctor and saw he had had a strange resemblance to a monster I drew when I was in the fourth grade.

After drawing the monster, I drew a super hero called Hairball Henry who was a flaming homosexual with bright orange hair. I based him off my dead cat…Henry had always been a good cat to me...and I was six so young when I threw him into the pool so it wasn't my fault died...anyway, Hairball Henry used to beat the living crap out of the random monster I drew, but Hairball Henry wasn't here right now so I needed to do this on my own.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" I shrieked before attempting some sort of karate move. At least I think it was a karate move…hell if I know.

The monster did a double kick thing and I landed on my butt. However, I was far from giving up.

"I'm not Hairball Henry's side kick for nuffin!!" I yelled and charged at the offending, odd colored monster doctor.

Suddenly, a sharp stab to my arm told me that the monster had won.

"I'm sorry Hairball Henry," I gasped before blacking out.

* * *

When I woke up, I was laying down on something soft. I knew the monster had killed me. I felt bad for leaving Sara alone. My baby would never see it's awesome daddy! Then my hand twitched.

"He's okay!" someone said happily and I opened my eyes to see Rima, Shiki and Sara staring at me, all looking like they were trying their best not to laugh. That's what friends are for.

Tsubasa and Mikazuki were already laughing though. I could hear them in the next room.

"Praise Hairball Henry! I survived!" I squealed. "Is the monster dead?"

"If you keep talking like that, them doctors are going to drug you up again," Shiki warned me.

"Isn't Hairball Henry that weird carrot top guy in spandex you drew when we were like, midgets?" Rima asked curiously.

"He didn't wear spandex," I said defensively.

"Then what did you call his weird outfit?" Rima snorted.

"…"

"Maybe we should tell the doctor he's awake…" Sara said uncertainly.

The doctor walked in the room, although this time he looked relatively normal.

"Congratulations!" he said cheerfully. "It's a boy. Or boys."

"Whose?" we all asked.

"All four of them," the doctor replied.

A major WTF moment circulated around the room.

"I mean to say that both Sara and Rima are having a set of twin boys," the doctor said hastily and ran out the door. I took a guess that he usually gave the news when parents were having twins and by now had learned the reaction was something unpleasant to be around.

"Oh damn," we all said before freaking out ridiculously.

"Hairball Henry save me!" I cried.

"Please don't let them be super geniuses…" Shiki groaned

"They're going to be so cute!" Rima squealed and hugged Sara.

"We should give all four of them names that start with the same letter!" Sara replied.

And so began the plans for names from Sara and Rima while Shiki collapsed onto my bed.

"We're so screwed," he whispered.

"We totally are," I agreed.

Because we totally were.

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I'm still asking myself where the whole Hairball Henry came into play with this….oh well. Probably because I'm so tired that my brain can't keep itself on track. Anyway, now we know that Shiki and Ichijou are going to be the fathers of twins! Yay for them! What are Mikazuki and Tsubasa's reactions going to be? I'm not sure yet… Review!!!


	5. Lesson 4

**Author's Note: **Holy crap. I haven't updated in soooooo long I feel so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd!!!! –begins to sob hysterically- OK…time to write now…aren't you guys lucky I got Ryan flu (Swine flu)? That icky salivating disgusting monster…

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vampire Knight…I don't deserve to…

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**silentspirit426624- **yay! I learned a New Word! And yes, _twins. _We should take thirty seconds of feeling bad of the fathers-to-be and then keep laughing at them.

**PurebloodPrincess97- **Yup I'm 14. But I'll be fifteen in April 2010. anyway, Ichijou and Shiki are going to be so busy that they may be taking a lot of trips to the hospital to see that creepy doctor.

**hana-flower23- **Yup, yup Ichijou's lost it =)Poor guy….

**kAtiE-lUvs-mcr- **That plastic knife threat kept me in hiding for a while….am I safe yet?

**Bella's Sister- **They totally are the cutest fathers!! Now if only that would happen in the manga…

**CocoxLadybat- **Yeah, no kidding...I think he'll be OK though. Maybe...or maybe not depending on where this chapter leads to.

* * *

**Lesson Four:**

**Mood Swings Come At Random Times So Always Be Prepared For The Worst.**

**

* * *

**

Never in my life will I forgive the creator of _60 Minutes With A Loser_. I must admit it's fascinating to watch people without any lives whatsoever tell all of Japan how lame they are and why, but when you know that loser and happen to be watching with your pregnant wife…well, then things get a little bit out of hand…

Sara and I were sitting peacefully on our lovely couch, watching the little man who broadcasted the show talk about how he was going to interview some hobo. I heard a little sniffle and turned to see Sara crying quietly.

"What's wrong??" I asked, only slightly panicking.

"It m-m-must be so, so, so h-h-horrible to be homeless," Sara whispered and I gently patted her shoulder.

"Well, it's not like we know this hobo so we can't really _do _anything for him…her…it," I said. Then the hobo walked on stage and I wondered why I'd said anything at all. Because naturally, that hobo happened to be Kaname.

"IT'S HIM!!" Sara screamed and I winced. Kaname started his long sob story leading from his time as a popular high school student to a low class hero being stalked by a transvestite.

At this point Sara was…laughing hysterically? I'd never seen her laugh like that. She was clutching her stomach and collapsed to the floor. Still laughing, she rolled around. When she finally got up and sat down again I as laughing too because well…there was just something about it that was ridiculously funny.

"DON'T LAUGH AT HIM!!" Sara yelled at me furiously. "How could you?"

"But you were just—" I started to protest.

"No! He's done nothing wrong to you! And look at him! Him and his broken heart!" Sara had exploded at that point.

"Alright, alright," I said and calmly as I could. Because I'd just realized what happened: the mood swings had hit. I started to wonder which was worse, the food or moodiness. Then Sara began to cry. I paled. This was getting hard so I dialed my trusted advisor, Shiki. I explained my dilemma and he hung up on me. For a moment I was insulted, then I remembered hearing a female voice screaming a long stream of profanities that there is no real reason to repeat.

"So much for that," I muttered.

"Are you trying to leave me?" Sara whimpered and my heart melted.

"Never!" I declared.

"I KNEW THERE WAS ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!" Sara shrieked and before I knew it, a vase was being cracked over my head. (**A/N: **all you people who read _You Can't Fix Me_, does this moment bring back any memories?)

Before I blacked out, I prayed that if I ended up in the hospital, the creepy doctor dude was halfway to Hawaii on his well deserved vacation.

Before I blacked out, I knew I wasn't going to be that lucky.

* * *

Sure enough, Doctor Creeper was staring down at me when I woke up. At least he looked like a human this time…I wasn't in any sort of state to go superhero all over his ass.

"You can expect the mood swings to be twice as bad," was the first thing he said.

"Why?"

"Twins. Double set, double pain."

That explained the vase.

"Your friend is still asleep by the way," Doctor Creeper added.

"Eh?" I glanced across the room and saw poor Shiki was in worse shape than me. His black eye was looking like it was going to hurt when he woke up, as did the bump that was still growing on his head.

"Your wife took it easy on you," the doc noted.

"No kidding," I muttered and with a little sigh, Doctor Creep ditched me.

"Your free to be checked out, but with your record I'm guessing I'll be seeing you again soon," he said and I was left alone with that absolutely, annoyingly, unhappy (and most likely true) prospect in mind.

"Takuma! Takuma! Guess who's coming to live with us!" Sara cried as she ran into my room.

"Who?" I asked worriedly.

"Kaname!" she squealed and I then decided that I was totally screwed over.

"When is he coming?" I asked, silently hoping this was a terrible, terrible joke.

"He's already there," Sara informed me. She frowned at the look on my face. Tears quickly filled her eyes. "Are you unhappy?"

"Well…" I mumbled.

"I'm so sorry!" Sara cried and threw her arms around me.

"Oh it's OK," I decided.

"Good because now I'm going to kill you!!!!"

"Crap."

I hadn't even left the hospital and I was going to be meeting Doctor Creeper again very soon, I knew.

_Who knows? _I thought wryly as security dragged my wife away. _Maybe me and Doctor Creeper will become friends…? _

_No way in hell. _

* * *

Mkay. Maybe Ichijou _won't _be alright…nah. I think the next chapter will bring some happiness. Will Doctor Creeper and Ichijou become friends? I'm going to leave that to you guys to decide.


	6. Not Lesson 1

**Author's note: **Some of you were Pro-Friends. Some of you were hell-no-over-my-dead-body-will-Ichijou-befriend-that-creepy-doctor. I honestly couldn't decide to I decided to call them frenemies! For a couple chapters I'm going to have some 'not-lessons' for you all. This was inspired by my own personal frenemy and this chapter is dedicated to him for being such a good one all these years And if he ever reads this, he should know I'm still pissed at him for putting me in a headlock when I wouldn't give him his chips back….but it's really his fault for not sharing with me…

**Disclaimer: **Vampire Knight isn't mine. If it was, I would have involved a mouse and a creepy doctor already.

* * *

**JuJukins- Sorta friends? Good idea cuz that's about as close to "frenemies" as you get XD**

**.pUddiNg.x****-**** You think he's creepy? Thank you ****I try my best**

**silentspirit426624- You really think so? Yay! I put hard work into that bit and I'm glad it received credit!!! And yes, luck really does pick favorites. Ichijou and Shiki aren't among the lucky ones.**

**CocoxLadybat- To be honest, the doctor kinda scares me too…**

**Sakura Shizunei- Not even a chance at friendship? Oh…well…OK. I can imagine the boys missing a few limbs…but I'm not that mean. Or am I?**

**kAtiE-lUvs-mcr**-**Yay for Pro-Friendship! **

* * *

**NOT-LESSON ONE:**

**THE KEY CONCEPTS OF FRENEMIES**

* * *

It was so awkward. So ridiculously _awkward_!! I was trapped in the cursed, sterilized, horrendous building for an amount of time that remained unknown and every day I had the see Doctor Creepist. I changed his name to Creepist because it's a lot scarier than Creeper. Anyway, every day we struggled to find something—anything—we had in common but there was nothing!

Becoming friends with a creepist is harder than it sounds. On the fourth day of attempting friendship, I was gritting my teeth as the doctor and I discussed anything we could think of.

"So what do you think of kittens?" I asked politely. I heard Shiki snort and I resisted shooting him a glare.

"I stayed in a village once long ago. We ate kittens for breakfast on Sundays," he replied. I almost gagged.

"Monster! How could you eat kittens?" I demanded, completely outraged.

"They taste delicious," Dr. Creepist replied pleasantly. I proceeded to lose _my _Sunday breakfast (that consisted of non-kitten hospital food) all over his lab coat.

_Take that kitten eater, _I thought nastily while I hurled all over him. At that point, Shiki was laughing outright and was doing absolutely nothing to stop himself.

"I need to visit the laundry place anyway," Dr. Creepist informed me when I stopped. "It's stained with some innocent little kitten blood left over from breakfast."

That time I actually tried to jump up and tackled the bastard, but the IV ripped, the alarm went off, and several nurses came into the room. They were pretty used to it because of my multiple attempts of escape. Dr. Creepist walked away after giving me a nasty grin. It was the last thing I saw before the nurses sedated me.

When I woke up, Shiki was shaking his head at me.

"I don't get why you guys can't be friends," he said, but his grin told me he was just making fun of me.

"Why don't you be frenemies with him?" Mikazuki asked me, peeking her head in through the slightly open door.

I was about to wonder where Tsubasa was when he also appeared.

"Like we used to be?" he asked Mika-chan.

"Yeah!" she said happily.

"Frenemies?" Shiki asked and I was relieved to see he was as lost as me.

"Don't tell me this is some new fad you young people are coming up with these days," I groaned. It made me feel old.

"You sound so old when you say it like that, Ichijou-san," Tsubasa said innocently.

Shiki snickered and I scowled.

"Yeah, yeah whatever," I growled. "So tell me 'bout 'frenemies.'"

"Frenemies is what people are when they don't wana be friends but they don't wana be enemies either," Mika-chan explained easily.

"Well, I sort of had that much figured out from the beginning," I said tiredly.

"Do you want us to explain more?" Tsubasa asked. That little smartass…

"Sure," I said grumpily.

"Well, first off, you don't actually have to do anything friend-ish. You just talk like normal people," he said.

"But it's perfectly OK to pull some pranks on each other," Mikazuki put in quickly.

"And steal each others' food."

"And kick them in the shins."

"Oh and you can pull on their hair too!!"

"So what are the, um, friendly things that are part of the frenemy relationship?" I put in.

Mikazuki and Tsubasa looked at each other, then at me, identical looks of puzzlement on their faces.

"Um, you guys just don't act like total enemies," they said in sync. I gotta say, watching it was pretty creepy.

I looked at Shiki.

"Do you think it'll fly?" I asked.

"As long as he's the one who gets to kick you in the shins and steal your PB and J sandwiches, I think he'll go for it," Shiki said.

* * *

Later when he came back, I made the proposition to Doctor Creepist.

"Frenemies, you say?" he murmured.

"So what do you think?" I asked impatiently.

"As long as I'm the one who gets to kick you in the shins and steal your PB and J sandwiches, I'll go for it," he said with a shrug. My jaw dropped and I stared at Shiki for his accurate prediction. Shiki seemed just as shocked as me so I pushed it into the back of my mind.

"Deal," I grumbled.

"Well, I have some good news for you," he said.

"Yeah?"

"Both of you are free to go," he said and whipped out his clipboard.

"After all this time I put into this, _now _we leave?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"Yup! Your wife is here to pick you both up," he told Shiki. "I'll see you two relatively soon."

Rima discharged us and drove me home. My first thought was 'thank god I'm finally home.' When I opened the door, my thought immediately changed.

* * *

Kaname was in the kitchen when I walked in and I screamed.

"Sara!!!!!!!!" I yelled. "There's a hobo in our house!!!"

"Oh, Takuma I forgot to tell you, Kaname is going to be living with us now," Sara said happily.

I was stunned to silence.

I was suddenly reminded of the very first time I met Zero, way back in high school.

_TIMEWARP/FLASHBACK BEGIN:_

"_Hi, I'm Takuma!" I said pleasantly. The silver haired boy looked at me grumpily. _

_"Wanna join my club?" he asked._

_"What club?" I asked. _

_"The I-Hate-Kaname-Club," he said. _

_"…Uh…maybe later?"_

_"Come find me when your hatred of that damn bastard has deepened to the point where you will join the club," the kid said emotionlessly. I heard a scream and saw a stream of fan girls with signs saying things like "I LOVE ZERO," or "MARRY ME, ZERO!!!" and (my personal favorite) "ZERO, I WANA HAVE UR BABIES!"_

_Zero—whose name I now knew—took off like a bullet, leaving a form in my hand. _

_TIMEWARP/FLASHBACK END._

I still kept the flier in my jacket pocket. I pulled it out and looked at it.

_**THE 'I HATE KANAME' CLUB**_

_**Do you hate Kaname Kuran? DO you hate him as much as I do? Probably not.**_

_**But if you hate him a lot, sign the form below and join the 'I HATE KANAME' club!**_

_**Members get a free T-Shirt and with a donation you can get a mug!**_

_**With another donation, you can get a collection of Christmas cards featuring Kaname dying in various ways!**_

**_And if you donate AGAIN you get a _**

The rest of the flier had been torn up from the times it had been run through the dryer. Looking at it again, I considered calling up Zero and asking him if his offer was still up.

* * *

Or maybe he could just use his new frenemy skills? Can't you guys see Zero making a club like that? Yes? No? Anyway, review!!


	7. Not Lesson 2

**Disclaimer: **Hahahahahahahahaha! Me, owning Vampire Knight…that's a funny thought. Wait. You _weren't_ joking?

* * *

**NOT-LESSON TWO:**

**TIPS TO EVICTING A HOBO**

* * *

The next few weeks were a single sample of hell. Kaname was doing all the following:

Taking up all the room on the couch

Hogging the TV

Raising the bills to amazingly horrific numbers

Turning our house into something that had jumped straight out of a musical horror film

And much, much more.

But when I came to the kitchen and found him chowing down on my special box of cheerios, it was the final straw.

"Pleeeeeasee get rid of him, Sara, please, please, _please_!"

I had sunk to the point of begging for her to kick Kaname out of the house. All my pleas had been in vain.

"He's family," she said repeatedly.

"No he isn't," I grumbled for the millionth time.

"He has nowhere else to go," Sara scolded me.

"He can go live with Shiki," I insisted. Sara shook her head quickly.

"We have a nice big house with lots of room," she reminded me. "Why not let him stay?"

I gave her the previously stated reasons as to why Kaname shouldn't be allowed to live with us. Sara shook her head again.

"We just can't kick him out," Sara said firmly.

"_He was eating my cereal!" _I exclaimed. Sara looked into the distance.

"Yeah, that is a bit much," she sighed and I felt a spark of hope.

"So we can kick him out?" I asked, crossing my fingers for a positive answer.

"No kick him out...just find him a new place," Sara corrected hastily.

"OK, OK," I said, not wanting to press my luck. "But how?"

we began with putting up signs on the internet:

_Home for hobo needed. He is also more attractive than most hobos generally are. Kaname Kuran, totally for free. No refunds. _

That plan didn't work too well, but we were afraid that if we posted fliers around town, Kaname would find them. To be more accurate, Sara was the one who was afraid of Kaname finding out. She didn't want to hurt his hobo feelings. I didn't care too much. I figured it would make him leave, but Sara threatened to go back on evicting him if "I did such a horrendous thing."

Then, we went to the pet store. You never know. Unfortunately, the clerk said they didn't take humans—something about human trafficking—and the manager kicked us out when I started begging.

Plan C was to ask around hobo-ish places if they wanted a friend. Halfway there, Sara demanded I turn the car around because the place looked to unsafe. I pointed out that it was a place for hobos and since Kaname was a hobo, he could probably manage himself. But all I got back was a painful smack with a handbag.

Exasperated, I called Tsubasa and Mikazuki for help. They always had the answers somehow.

"The whole reason you got no reply for the internet idea was because you didn't put up a way to contact you guys," Mika-chan said lazily as she leaned against Tsubasa. He didn't seem to care much himself.

"So we just need to put up contact information?" I asked skeptically. It sounded too simple.

"Yup, that's it," Tsubasa said. "It's how I got a few calls for selling my baby sister."

Mikazuki cracked up.

"I can't believe that actual worked," she said between fits of laughter.

"Mom was sooooooooo mad," Tsubasa said with a grin. The little trouble maker.

"You guys can go now. I know what to do," I said before shooing the two out of the house.

"We can't put a number," Sara said automatically.

"Why not?"

"What if a serial killer finds it?"

"…you're kidding right?"

"Of course not!"

There was a quick fit of random mood swings before I got Sara to agree.

The two of us—or four of us if you counted the twins who were slowly becoming noticeable—waited another month before the miraculous phone call came.

"_I heard you were getting rid of a hobo_," a high pitched voice said over the line. The voice was fake to the point of ridiculous, but to hell with it, _this person wanted the hobo!!_ I couldn't care less if it was the frickin cookie monster.

"He's free!" I blurted out. Joy was surging through me at the thought of someone wanting to take this hellish nightmare away from me.

"_When is the soonest I can pick him up?"_

I was ready to sing.

"Today is good," I said.

"_I'll be there shortly,_" the fake voice said before hanging up. I ran into the kitchen, scooped up Sara and swung her around.

"Somebody called! They want the orange juice," I cried happily. 'Orange juice' was our code name for Kaname.

"I'm actually going to miss that orange juice," Sara said wistfully.

"I'm not," I said cheerfully.

"I am," Kaname said. Tears sparkled in his eyes and both Sara and I shared a quick glance.

It was funny hearing him talk about missing himself even though he didn't know he was talking about himself….

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I all but skipped to the door and swung it open. The person looking at me seemed oddly familiar, but I could place it just as much as I could see where the buyer was male or female. It didn't help that he/she/it was decked out in a full body suit, a large pink fro wig and oompa loompa glasses. Not that I cared.

"NO! NOT YOU AGAIN!" Kaname yelled. I then recognized the buyer as that cross-dresser who stalked Kaname all around the place. The reason I couldn't place him was the lack of skirt.

"Here you go," I said and slapped a little bow on Kaname's forehead before all but shoving him out the door.

"Let's go home, Fluffy," the cross-dresser sighed happily.

"Fluffy?" Kaname, Sara, and I all asked at the same time.

"Yep, we're gonna have sooooo much fun!" said Fluffy's new owner before skipping off, dragging Kaname with him. All I could think about was one thing:

"THE CHEERIOS ARE ALL MINE!"

* * *

What misadventures are in store for poor Kaname now? Hmm…I dunno. Nothing good though…now I feel all bad for him. Not bad enough to re-write this whole thing though.


	8. Lesson 5

**Author's Note: **So, my science teacher just got married over the summer and now she's pregnant! Yay! Not only is this fantabulous for her, but it works well for me because she helps as a fantastic source of inspiration. Not that she knows it…anyway, it only took me a week to update this time! Yay again! I blame it on all the reviews

So…that's it I guess.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vampire Knight, but ever since I created Mika-chan and Tsu-kun, I have successfully gotten over this pain because I love my chibi OCs so much!

* * *

**LESSON FIVE:**

**Do ****Not**** Underestimate the Power of Angry Children**

* * *

I thought I knew what pain was. In fact, I was _sure_ I knew what pain was. Then Sara told me that she needed to stop teaching her kids. I know what you're thinking: well jeez that's not so bad! What a wimp you are!

Well, you're wrong. Dead wrong. Because Sara made _me_ be the one to break the news. And these kids love their Sara. Not as much as I do, but anyway, kindergarteners can sure throw.

"You have to tell them, Takuma," Sara said firmly.

"Do I have to?" I whimpered as we stood outside the school.

"Yes," she said.

"Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??" I whined.

"It's your fault," Sara scolded me sharply.

"How is it my fault?" I asked incredulously.

"You got me pregnant," she reasoned.

"Takes two to tango," I grumbled.

"I agreed to getting rid of Kaname," Sara said quickly. I groaned aloud. Ever since we'd sold Kaname off to be some cross dresser's pet, Sara had been using that as a bargaining chip every time she wanted something.

"He was eating my cereal!"

Sara gave me The Look. You know, that look women give you when they really want something? The look that's a cross between puppy dog eyes and being ready to take a baseball bat and slam over your head. Sound familiar? No? You're lucky. I caved immediately.

"These kids aren't, like, dangerous, are they?" I asked for clarification. Sara's eyes softened.

"They're little sweethearts!" she cooed. "They couldn't hurt a fly."

At this, I relaxed considerably. Big mistake.

I would love to say I entered the room bravely, holding Sara's hand, and smiling brilliantly at the children. I would love to say that the children proceeded to cheer at our absolute love and...oh you know how it goes.

Anyway, nothing like that actually happened. To be honest, Sara more dragged me into the room, me cowering behind her. The children shot me glares that would've suited well on a battlefield. It took all I had not to whimper and run out the door with my tail between my legs. Figuratively of course.

"What do I say?" I hissed.

"Just tell them I have to leave," Sara whispered. I cleared my throat and stepped out from behind Sara. Any attempts to look brave failed miserably. I was shaking like a defenseless knight against a group of dragons trying to protect his princess. I know you're laughing. I know it. But seriously, these were some mean looking kids.

"So I don't have to give them the talk about the birds and the—ow!" I yelped. Sara had given me a nice elbow to the ribs before I could finish my sentence.

"Start. Talking," she growled and I winced.

"Right. So. Um. Hi," I said to the kids.

"Hi," they all chorused back. For all the comfort it gave me, it might as well have been a pack of snarling dogs.

"I'm, um, Sara's husband and uh, I'm here to tell you that she, uh, well, I kinda, um…" I trailed off helplessly. Sara elbowed me again, this time with a glare attached.

They stared.

"Em teggin syreh erweb," I tried again. Sara gave me a look that said quite plainly _no speaking gibberish or I'll feed you to a bucket of man eating plants. _So I made my final attempt.

"Sara isn't going to come back because she's gonna have my baby," I said as clearly as I possibly could. I must've been pretty clear because the next thing I knew, I had a dent on my face in the shape of a backwards B. I looked at the fallen wooden block at my feet and saw that it was one of those letter blocks.

"No!" a little girl shouted at me. I looked at her and saw a pile of wooden blocks at her feet. Suddenly, I had a bad feeling. There seemed to be quite a few toys that could be used as weapons in this classroom.

In a matter of moments, everything within reach was being tossed at me with a great force.

"Help me, Sara!" I wailed, but looking from my place behind her chair, I saw she was on the floor laughing. I paled. I was on my own.

But what to do? It wasn't like I could _throw_ things at the kids. Not only would it be twisted, but Sara would kill me or worse, get Kaname back! Just when I thought I was a goner, there was a battle cry—or at least that was kind of what it sounded like—from the door. I looked and saw Mika-chan on Tsubasa's back yelling. They were both brandishing plastic swords.

"For Narnia!" Mikazuki shrieked and leaped off Tsubasa's back. The pair ran headfirst into the group of kids, brandishing their swords. Pretty soon, Mika-chan and Tsubasa had a box of toys to go with their swords. In between the swords and pelting of toys, the pair had Sara's kids pretty quick.

I remembered Mikazuki had been raised a grade, along with Tsubasa. They obviously had superiority over the kindergartners.

"Now say you're sorry!" Mikazuki yelled at the kids.

"We're sorry," they all but sobbed and Mikazuki smiled her charming smile.

"C'mon, Tsu-kun, let's go defeat the White Witch with the frisbees outside," she said happily and crawled back onto her steed's back. They galloped off into the distance, leaving the rest of the classroom stunned to silence.

"OK then," Sara said briskly. "My husband and I are leaving now, I'll miss you all."

Tears sparkled in her eyes as she gazed at the little monsters. I all but ran out of the room.

* * *

Fascinting story about my life: OK, so the whole "_for Narnia"_ thing was something that randomly hit me because I remembered that this guy in my PE class said that all the time when we had Ultimate Frisbee as our unit back in 7th grade…oh yeah, that was epic. Anyway…so Mika-chan and Tsu-kun off to save the day. Review and tell me whatcha think……please?


	9. Not Lesson 3

No, I'm still alive. I need inspiration! So people, toss me some ideas! Please…? For Mikazuki and Tsubasa? Oh well, here's the chapter after a billion year delay.

* * *

**NOT-LESSON 3:**

**A School Performance of Sleeping Hobo**

I sniffled in the darkened room and Sara handed me a tissue. After the third box, she'd given up on telling me to shut the hell up. Actually, Rima had taken over.

"Shut up, freak! I can't hear my daughter!" she hissed.

"Little Mika-chan is all grown up!" I cried and several people turned to glare at me. Apparently, school plays weren't my thing.

Mikazuki ignored me gracefully, although Tsubasa wasn't doing such a great job. In fact, the kid had shoved his fist in his mouth to stop the laughter. Karma….Of course, having his hand in his mouth made it hard for him to say his lines.

"Hum frinvess butwey," it sounded like he said. He made a terrible Prince Charming.

"Mika-chan, you're such a cute Sleeping Beauty!" I squealed, completely unable to help myself. A rotten tomato collided with my face.

"Damn it, Ichijou, you just made me waste the tomato I was gonna throw," Shiki growled. Rima cut in and informed us—in more detail than I would've liked—about how horribly she was going to mangle our bodies if we didn't keep quiet. We'd learned our lesson about this months ago, so we stayed quiet. Or at least we did until I recalled exactly how Sleeping Beauty woke up.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't soil poor Mika-chan," I wailed. The little monster had the nerve to look up me and then he _winked!_ Yes, maybe he had helped rescue me from on onslaught of crazy children, but that was in the past.

"You little—" I started, jumping out of my seat. What happened next was both a relief and absolutely horrible: a ragged woman with poorly done makeup and beehive styled hair in a pink fluffy ball gown came running in.

"Kaname!" Sara cried and then I realized that it wasn't actually an abused looking woman but instead the hobo I had evicted a couple months ago!

Shiki let out a not-so quiet stream of profanities that ruffled the feathers of several parents. This included Rima who had the expected reaction. His cries of pain could probably be heard from miles away. I might have helped if I wasn't so fascinated by how terrible Kaname looked.

"I want to be Sleeping Beauty!" he cried and ran to the stage. Mikazuki jumped up, cerulean eyes blazing. She had a striking resemblance to her mother in that moment. Even Tsu-kun was scared.

"Not a chance," she growled and kicked the already battered hobo in the face.

"That's my girl!" Rima crowed before bursting into tears and crying to Shiki about how her daughter was beginning a dark path.

"I. Want. The. Part!" Kaname shouted as he tried to grab Mikazuki.

"You're too old! Besides 'Sleeping _Beauty_'," Mikazuki said, emphasizing the word "beauty".

"Burn," Sara whispered appearing to be slightly awed. The door burst open for the second time and the person I'd sold—er, I meant _sent _Kaname off to came running through.

"Where's my Kana-wana?" he—she?—demanded. Kaname let out a whimper and stared, giving Mikazuki just enough time to jump away from him and push him off the stage. He landed with a painful thud.

"Ouch," I said wincing at his pain.

"You just owned his ass!" Rima squealed loudly and Mikazuki beamed. With this precious smile, her violent actions were immediately forgiven. Kaname however was dragged off by the transvestite who split between scolding his "little kitten" and apologizing profusely to an old woman with a dangerous looking handbag.

"At least Tsubasa never got to kiss Mikazuki," I said to Shiki with a sigh. He was about to agree when Tsubasa hopped onto the stage and kissed Mikazuki quickly. He looked at Shiki and I. We shared a glance before charging toward the kid.

He split like the smart boy he is while Rima, Sara and Tsubasa's mother fawned and made other motherly sounds and chattered about how precious young love is. We never actually caught Tsubasa.

Lesson to be learned? The more rotten tomatoes that are brought to a school play the better.

* * *

So short! Well, I didn't have much to work with. Like I said, gimme some ideas and I'll use them!! My brain thanks you for it ;)


	10. Not Lesson 4

There are going to be a lot of Not-Lessons coming around….Anyway, I was looking for a reason write from a new POV and, well, this is what I came up with. As a warning, this is going to contain total crack and not have a single bit of sanity. You might kill a few brain cells….

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Vampire Knight I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it. Plus, everything would be like this.

* * *

**Ichijou Acts Like An Idiot Example Sixteen**

**an excerpt from "**_**See? Your Life Could Be Worse**_**" a best-seller by Mikazuki Touya**

* * *

It began as a normal family-and-friends outing (at least like I think a normal one would start because I've never actually _had _one): my mother and Sara patted their bulging bellies and talked about baby names, my dad and Ichijou glared at Tsu-kun who was skipping along happily with me, holding my hand (squee!).

The all-you-can-eat buffet was incredible. The food was even better than the décor of the place. The best part was that I didn't have to spend the whole meal covering my nose because my mother hadn't been the cook. Ichijou and my dad had learned not to eat pregnant-lady food the hard way, setting a fine example for me.

"I bet I can eat more pudding than you, Mika-chan," Tsubasa said. I could hear the challenge in his voice, just below the surface and I knew that agreeing to this was going to leave me with a huge stomach ache—I never met a boy who could eat more than Tsu-kun—and that I should turn it down, but he made me feel incredibly immature which is a great explanation to why I love him so much.... Regardless of my better judgement, I agreed and we set off to get some pudding.

"I want to play," Ichijou said quickly. I looked and Tsubasa who looked at me. We shrugged at each other, using the nearly-telepathic communication that my parents had when they were kids to decide that Ichijou was going absolutely humiliate himself and that it would be way fun to watch.

"Sure thing," Tsubasa said easily. When our bowls had been filled to the brim with pudding that was an odd shade of purple, we went back everyone else. Said party looked uncertainly at our food.

"That looks pretty good," Sara said. This was a sign to put the food down and just walk away, but I have issues giving up challenges, even if it includes eating food that appeals to a pregnant woman.

The pudding was disgusting, just like I knew it would be. In fact, I'm not really sure if it even _was _pudding.

But I won and that's really all that mattered.

The freaky stuff didn't start till we got home with me and Tsu-kun slowly dying in pain because of all the food we'd all but inhaled. Ichijou didn't look like he was feeling much better which was pathetic since he surrendered after his third bowl. I pulled off seven. ;)

"OMG!" he yelled suddenly.

"What is it this time?" I asked, sounding just as bored as I felt. Tsu-kun snickered.

"I'm pregnant!"

An awkward silence filled the room.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but guys don't get pregnant," my dad informed him not-so gently. It was like telling a toddler that, "sorry kid, but Santa isn't real." Sorry if I just ruined Christmas for anybody....

"I am though!" Ichijou insisted. He pointed at his stomach which was bulging.

"They call it a food baby," I said. Apparently, he had severe selective hearing because he heard something along the lines of "yeah that's a baby."

"Oh god, we need a doctor," Ichijou wailed.

"Is it legal to be this stupid?" I asked my mother.

"It shouldn't be," she said with a slight smile. Her smile vanished when Ichijou hurled all over her nice floor.

"Uh-oh," I whispered in the same moment as Tsubasa. We knew what was coming next. First came the long stream of profanities that seemed to have no end. Then came the fists.

"Takuma you bastard! I'm gonna tear you limb from limb! Then I'm gonna roast you over a fire! Then—"

My dad covered my ears and Sara covered Tsubasa's so we never did find out what my mother was going to do after tearing Ichijou limb from limb and roasting him. I did get to see my mom swing the first couple of punches. My dad let go of my ears to drag my mom away just in time for me to hear Ichijou begging.

"Don't do it! Don't hit me! You might kill my baby!"

"You aren't—" Dad began but Ichijou cut him off.

"I threw up! Morning sickness!"

"Ichijou, it's eight PM," I pointed out. Tsubasa was clutching his stomach. For a minute, I was afraid he was thinking that _he_ was pregnant and I was going to have to kill him.

"If I laugh any more than this I'm gonna puke. The only thing stopping me now is that I don't want your mom killing me," he wheezed. I grinned.

"Call a doctor, Shiki! The baby's coming!" Ichijou cried.

"I think I'm gonna pee my pants!" my father howled from the floor, all his dignity flushed down the crapper.

"You're pregnant, too?" Ichijou gasped, all need for a doctor forgotten. The house became an orchestra of cries, hysterical laughter, screaming, squawking, etc. I'm half deaf now.

Sara calmed down long enough to call a doctor and explain we had a man in labor and needed a doctor as soon as possible. Naturally, it was the creepy doctor who showed up. Who else would? His presence sobered down Ichijou and it finally got through his head that he wasn't pregnant and never would be. Actually, before _that_ he was under the impression that he had a miscarriage and went into several minutes of extreme depression. Quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

* * *

Again, very short, but maybe that's somewhat of a favor to you all. See now I _told you _that it was going to be ridiculous and pointless. Did you believe me? Did you lose some brain cells? Review and tell me ;)


	11. Not Lesson 5

**Author's note: **This goes out specifically to Rima-Touya-Rose who reminds me when I'm going slow without fail and for Alpha Weirdoz for giving me this genius idea! I know that this chapter probably didn't turn out the way you thought it would. Anyway, like I said, lots of Not-Lessons as opposed to Lessons...the next one will be a lesson though. Kind of.

**Disclaimer: **Today (4/28/10) is my **15****th**** birthday**. I waited _all day_ for someone to present me the ownership of Vampire Knight so I wouldn't have to put up this _friggin _disclaimer and you know what? _**IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!! **_

* * *

**Not Lesson Five:**

**Leave It To The Lifeguard**

* * *

The tension that filled the air was enough to suffocate an octopus.

"We need a vacation," I said finally. Sara, Shiki, Rima, Mika-chan, and that brat Tsubasa all looked at me.

"Whatever makes you say that?" Rima asked through gritted teeth.

"Oh, no reason in particular," I said, letting a trace of sarcasm taint my voice. Well, maybe more than a trace.

"Where would we go anyway?" Mika-chan piped up.

"Somewhere nice...relaxing...peaceful," Rima began, trailing off with a dopey smile on her face.

"My grandparents have a beach house," Tsubasa threw in nonchalantly. Kids aren't supposed to have that kind of attitude! I shot Shiki the look that says _that kid is planning something and __we gotta nip it in the bud, yeah?_

He nodded in response. Unfortunately, the telepathic communication system lines were going slow (the phone lines were too so I could only imagine that it was because of the raging June heat) so by the time we'd had our little conversation, Rima and Sara had already agreed delightedly and even suggested that Tsubasa come along. To this he looked rather bashful and mumbled sweetly about how he "couldn't ever impose on a family vacation" which Rima was quick to point out that he was more of a relative to her than I was. In less than half of a minute Tsubasa was convinced that he "guessed he could come since they _so insisted_".

In a week's time we were all packed up and in a borrowed white minivan. I wouldn't have minded it so much if it weren't for those damn stick figure family stickers. Oh, and let's not forget Tsubasa and Mika-chan looking at each other. Like _looking_! How was I supposed to relax when I needed to protect her from being defiled by this horrid boy? Were they too young for that?

Shiki seemed to be going along the same thought train as me and actually whimpered.

"Oh grow a pair," Rima snorted.

"But not while you're driving please," I tossed in. "I don't want to get in some kind of accident while you find yourself jumping for joy in your success at finally getting some—"

"I think Dad's gonna be sick," Mika-chan cut me off. Sure enough, the guy was a color similar to that of moldy oatmeal. Some like it hot and some like it cold but nobody likes it covered in mold. I proceeded to laugh at our driver which, for the record, is a bad idea. He whipped his head around to glare at me, his face still an unnatural color that couldn't be healthy.

"Ichijou, shut the hell up or I swear I'll—"

"Drive us into the ocean?" I suggested with a snort. Not even a minute after, Rima let out a loud stream of profanities and we all jerked forward as the car came to a screeching halt.

No one said a word as we all stared at the ocean Shiki had almost sent us into.

"Who put that ocean there?" Shiki asked looking absolutely puzzled.

"Who picked you as driver?" Rima asked darkly. Everyone looked at me.

"Why do you guys always blame it on me?" I asked. Five mouths opened all at the same time, probably to say something harsh, so I put my hand up. "Don't answer that."

* * *

Somehow, we made it to the beach house all in one piece, although Shiki ended up losing his lunch the second we got there. Rima wasn't pleased.

"Swimming time!" Mikazuki cheered and all but dashed down the beach. She looked so...immature. And absolutely adorable of course, but she always looked like that. Tsubasa took off after her and Shiki after him to make sure neither of them drowned.

Naturally, that was my job.

I neglected to bring my rubber ducky floatie with us and had never learned how to swim in my childhood so the water wasn't much of an option for me.

"Come get in the water," Sara called. Ironically, she and Rima were laying lazily under the giant beach umbrella. I pulled my legs closer to my chest and watched Mika-chan and Tsu-kun splash around with Shiki beside them, watching ever carefully. He seemed to be having a rough time and guilt overcame me. I could stay in the tiny waves and be fine...right?

With only my strong parental need to make sure Mika-chan wasn't kidnapped by waves (or Tsubasa), I strode into the water, wincing as it lapped up against my legs.

"He's in!" Mikazuki and Tsubasa cheered at the same time.

"This isn't so bad," I said thoughtfully and next thing you know I'm splashing around with the kids. There goes the whole "taking care of them" idea.

I was too busy celebrating my graduation from relying on by rubber ducky floatie—despite the fact that the water didn't even go up past my knees—that I didn't notice the freakishly large wave come charging at me. The equivalent of the situation could be someone who runs straight into a giant wood chipper and ends up human chips. Very messy. Anyway, the wave came smashing over me like I'd jumped in front a group of raging rhinoceroses and one had decided I looked comfy enough to sit down on.

Then I saw Nemo. No not really.

Suddenly, I felt a super buff arm wrap around me and drag me to the surface. Gasping and spluttering, I never got a good look at my rescuer until we reached the beach where Shiki was trying to fake concern and not laugh his ass off and Rima was doing the same thing. Sara was _actually _worried which cheered me up considerably.

I looked at my savior for the first time. The first thing I saw was some kind of terminator surfer dude. It was disturbing. What was more disturbing was when I got a better look and saw that it was only a suit. A suit that had Mikazuki and Tsubasa inside of it, both peeking out of where the face once was. Mikazuki smiled at me innocently.

"My grandpa invented all sorts of crazy stuff like robotics. This is LyfGurd XIII," Tsubasa explained with a straight face. It took me a minute to realize that he wasn't joking.

"But we call him Termisurfer," Mika-chan added.

"I was saved by two little kids in a robot suit?" I asked. They nodded without even a second of thought.

"But you should go see the local doctor," Tsubasa put in. I was feeling pretty damn sick so I nodded.

"I'm already here," a familiar voice said.

I swore loudly. Dr. Creepist smiled nastily at me.

"Now, now, don't get too excited," he said. "It might be bad for your health."

Needless to say, our vacation wasn't very relaxing.

* * *

I just can't get rid of the old doctor.... review! As like, a birthday present or something!


	12. Kind Of Lesson 1

**A/N: **I know this one came late...sorry But I have a story of epic proportions for you all! So my (kind-of) cousin Mindy who is 25 watched _West Side Story_ when she was 4 and has been in love with it ever since. She recently got cast as Maria in a performance of _West Side Story_ and I got to see her tonight (she was totally badass by the way)! That's why I'm in Santa Maria. Moral of the story: good things _do_ happen to good people who deserve them and whoever said otherwise is an idiot.

Disclaimer: Vampire Knight isn't mine. If it was then I probably wouldn't be writing ridiculous fanfiction about it, would I?

* * *

**Kinda-Lesson One:**

**(Would-Be) Parenting Lessons from (Evil) People Who (Almost) Know What They're **_**Really**_** Doing**

* * *

Three days after I was attacked by that mutant wave and "saved" by the Termisufer/Mikazuki and Tsubasa, I was finally allowed to get up. We still had a good few days of vacation left, but I was too scared to leave the house, not only terrified of mutant waves taking me away, but of Dr. Creepist who seemed to be everywhere. At least Kaname wasn't around...

"Check it out!" Sara said happily during breakfast. She slapped a flyer down in the middle of the table with unnecessary force that made my bowl of Cheerios spill over.

"'Actual Parenting Lessons,'" Shiki read aloud. He looked completely bewildered. "Why would we need _those_?"

"Yeah," I threw it. "We're ideal parents!"

"It's a class being given in the town about fifteen minutes away," Sara continued, completely ignoring us.

"We're going," Rima said in the voice that told us clearly there would be no arguing. When we were teenagers, Rima was fearsome, particularly when she used that voice. As a pregnant lady, well, saying no when she was like that would be like looking a momma bear in the eye while loudly kidnapping her cub. What would you do?

"Sure," I said, caving before I could be put back in the hospital. That didn't stop me from glaring at the pink paper with blue writing and a baby rattle theme border.

"I think it's it a bad idea," Shiki said unwisely this. All went dead silent. Oh man. Rima was gonna pound his face into the sand and I was going to watch (and laugh) when he had Dr. Creepist all over him.

Rima burst into tears.

You gotta be kidding me.

"B-but, I _wanna_ go," she sniffled. A disgrace to all men, Shiki immediately agreed.

"What about Mikazuki and Tsubasa?" I asked, hoping that motherly instinct would make them want to stay at home. Just because I agreed to go doesn't mean I wasn't going to do my best to find a way out. Using the kids was the most indirect plan I could think of.

"Kaname can take care of them," Sara said. I blinked.

"When did he show up?" Shiki asked, looking as lost of me.

"He hid in the trunk during the drive," Rima said dismissively.

"Didn't you notice?" Sara said looking at us innocently.

"No," Shiki and I said together.

"Well, kids are taken care of," Rima told us. "So all that's left is for _us_ to go."

"When's the first lesson?" I said.

"Today," Sara said delightedly.

"In half an hour," Rima added.

Ten minutes later, we were packed in the car, waving good bye to a scruffy looking Kaname stood between Mika-chan and Tsubasa.

I knew it was a bad idea before we even entered the building, alright? Let's just get this clear. I was getting to realize that some strange being was making sure that I suffered in horrendous ways, simply for the entertainment of others. Almost like the otherworldly higher power was writing my life out for me.

...Nah.

Anyway, the building was neon green and glared down at me, all but saying "I'm just some big torture device made purposely to cause you harm." I was, of course, the only one who saw this.

"Nice place," Sara said appreciatively.

"Real nice," I said, trying not to grimace. It was painful.

We made our slow way up the purple wooden staircase, the feeling of foreboding growing inside of me more and more so with every step.

The room was a studio with clear plastic walls so I could see inside.

I swore under my breath.

Three guesses who the teacher was and the first two don't count. Did you guess Dr. Creepist? You guessed right.

"What does it take to get rid of this guy?" Shiki hissed.

"I think this is someone's idea of a sick joke," I agreed.

"We need to kill him before our kids are born, just to make sure he isn't the one who delivers them," Shiki said.

"Don't you need a license for that?" I asked. Shiki shrugged.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he had one, though," he said in afterthought.

"Class is starting," Dr. Creepist sang.

"But we're the only people here," I said worriedly. Was this part of his genius plan that I wasn't aware of yet? Probably.

"My lovely assistant is here," Dr. Creepist insisted. I looked up and my jaw dropped. It was the man-woman Sara and I had sold Kaname off to! His lovely assistant was far from lovely, let me just say.

"Hey," the "lovely assistant" said. "My name is Nurse Creepy."

"Nurse Creepy?" I whispered.

"Goes nicely with Dr. Creepist doesn't it?" Shiki replied out of the corner of his mouth. I nodded in agreement.

"Lesson one," Dr. Creepist said. He paused and turned to Nurse Creepy. "What's lesson one again?"

Nurse Creepy shrugged.

"No idea," he/she said.

"This was your evil plan to get your weird hobo back!" the good doctor exploded.

"OMFG," I gasped. "I knew it!"

"Great," Dr. Creepist said with a scowl. "Now we gotta kill them all."

"It's you!" cried a voice from the door.

"Kana-Wana!" Nurse Creepy squealed. Kaname dropped the kids and took off down the stairs, running as if his freedom, dignity, and sanity all depended on it, which, looking back on it now, I suppose they did.

"Ow!" squealed my precious Mika-chan rubbing her head which she had been dropped on.

"I'll kiss it and make it better," Tsubasa offered sweetly. Monster! Before I could rescue the innocent Mikazuki, he did exactly as he said.

They quite literally skipped off into the sunset and my jaw dropped at the unfairness of it all.

_Please whatever power out there that is making my life hell, I beg of you to bring karma onto that horrible boy,_ I prayed silently.

"So there were no actual parenting lessons?" Sara asked looking heartbroken.

"None," Shiki said. I turned around the find the scam artist who'd brought us here. He was no where to be found.

"That poor doctor," Rima said shaking her head. "He must feel so abused."

"You can't tell by now that he's _evil_?" I exclaimed. Rima punched me in the face.

"Be nice you jerk!" she shouted.

I sniffled the whole way home.

* * *

Who is the higher power that is torturing poor Ichijou for the sake of her own amusement? If you haven't figured that out by now, you're an idiot. But the main question: _will_ karma come onto Tsubasa. Find out next time ;)


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